If you want to be a better listener, especially during one-on-one conversations, what I learned this week may be helpful.
I heard Spiritual Director Dale Brooks speak on active listening, drawing from the wisdom of St. Benedict of Nursia (c.480-543 or 547). Part of the saint’s approach to monastic living divides each day into eight-hour phases of prayer, work, and sleep. His book The Rule of Benedict still influences many people. The skill of good listening comes under Benedict’s work category. (Have you ever experienced a conversation where paying attention took more mental sweat than an hour-long workout?)
Dale Brooks said there can be an even deeper component to our listening: “radical hospitality.” I had not connected listening to hospitality, but it makes sense. Hospitality is “the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.” The radical part is an intentional commitment to really hear the other person—not just the words, but also the heart. In other words, the listener goes the distance to understand and support. He or she backs off from advice, judgment, and jumping in with too many self-focused feelings and experiences. Yes, it’s radical.
Dale said something else that stuck with me. Listening can be a sacred space. The opposite of sacred is profane, and we certainly have enough conversations that fall under that category. But what is sacred space in conversation? Jesus said “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them” (Matt. 18:20, NIV). If one believes in the Resurrection, one can understand how Jesus can be an active participant in our speaking and listening. Dale suggested that in conversation we don’t shy away from awkward silence. Out of the quiet, we may hear the Shepherd’s voice.
Listening, like any skill, takes practice, practice, practice. I am definitely a beginner in developing the skill, but I am learning that awareness, intentionality, radical hospitality and prayerfulness make conversations richer for both the one speaking and the one listening.
Included in Dale’s talk was this two-minute, G-rated YouTube video that made me chuckle. Hope you too enjoy actors Jason Headley and Monica Barbaro. (Caveat: at the end of the video are some YouTube advertisements that don’t look uplifting. I haven’t explored them, and Jason Headley says in one YouTube comment that he has no control over what YouTube advertises. I suggest you just click off during the credits.)